Yellow-eyed the crocodile
looked out
in the papyrus swamp in the Faiyum.
Tourists on passing steamboats didn't suspect
this humble creature was the Petsuchos.
The mind of the dweller-amid-his-terrors
passed back to the time of the first beings.
He stood on the banks of the Nile, waiting
for someone he would know when he saw her.
He thought back to his previous lovers:
Hathor was one of the first,
ever-gracious to him even still.
He knew her before others knew her,
before others had her,
before everyone wanted to be her.
Wandering Khonsu was the calf of their union.
He stood upright, nervously checking
his ankh in his right hand every few minutes.
He had not seen his father Set in ages,
and wondered which wife he was with now.
He had not heard word of Neith, his mother-father
nor of his-her whereabouts for some space.
He had mistaken Renenutet the protector
for his girlfriend Hathor once, only once,
and yet the consequences endured,
as snake goddess and cow mother
were ever after equated and aspected.
Horus the innumerably born
was the fruit of their coupling,
coiled serpent and skulking crocodile.
Togate politicians and flute-players
edged past him in Arsinoe,
now called Crocodilopolis,
as he glanced around for his trysting partner.
Perhaps she missed him, slipped by?
It would be hard to miss his tall headdress,
as hard as mistaking a snake for a cow
but that had already happened.
He had been oblivious in worse ways--
like the time that frog-bodied Heqet
slipped by him unnoticed
and yet was impregnated by him.
How did it happen? Why didn't he feel her?
And who among her progeny was his after?
He was embarrassed now even thinking of it.
In the distance, he heard the singing
of the muezzin, calling to prayer.
He enjoyed the sounds though he never spent
much time learning the language.
He had been invested with the glory
of Amun-Re-Harakhte, and felt it necessary
to establish his dignity with a marriage.
But even among the circles of the gods
rumors are born like dung beetles
and few were interested in his advances.
He thought of one possibility: Taweret.
She was odd-looking to be sure, lion-armed,
hippo-bodied, but with a crocodile's tail
so at least they had something in common.
Goddess of childbirth, he knew full well
she did not say "no" to anyone,
and thus she would not reject him.
Still, he felt uneasy, unsure about her.
He met her and his mind turned immediately.
Her wig was scented with the perfume
of her own sweat, flowing heavily in the Nilotic sun,
he could smell her before he could see her.
Those breasts, pendulous and glistening
hung heavily from her, resting
on the top of her giant rounded belly.
He could see whatever it was in there
was moving about furiously.
He never wanted a woman
more fiercely than he wanted Taweret.
"Um, my lady, I wondered if I may..."
"I know why you're here. Of course."
She was businesslike, forward, flat-toned.
"Ah, yes, well perhaps then we might..."
"Look, I don't have all day!
I'll be giving birth again soon,
so if it's fucking you're after,
you'd best be getting on with it!"
He felt in that moment he could not
scare a mouse or a fly with his jaws.
He approached her, undressing, slowly,
trying to gauge what angle would be best
to join himself into her furrow.
He tried to embrace her, but her belly
reared up like a stormy sea, separating
his body far from hers.
"Look, croc-boy, you'll have an easier time
if you come at me like an animal,
so ditch the humanoid body, 'kay?"
Stunned at the suggestion,
he removed his lordly crown
and in a flash of light
assumed the form of a great green river reptile.
Through clenched jaws he hissed
"Would you mind laying down?"
"So you can climb all over me?
No thanks, I'll stand.
Deal with it."
The blood coursed through him harder,
he had never been so turned on in his life.
He tried putting one, two, three
of his legs on her, his tail curling...
and then he thought of his father.
"Um, would you mind awfully
if we did typhonic intercourse?"
"Are you kidding?"
He was defeated, crestfallen...
"Great! I'd love to.
All you had to do was ask.
You get off, I don't have more kids.
Everyone wins!"
The barque of Amun-Re rose and set
in the flashing fire of his eyes that moment.
She turned her back to him, still standing
and with all four legs he gripped,
climbed on to her expanse of flesh,
found his mark and thrust, thrust, thrust...
He heard the scratching of a stylus.
He turned his head to one side.
Furiously moving fingers sketched
the likeness of Taweret and Sobek
on the papyrus scroll of Thoth,
his ibis-beak squealing with laughter.
And, of course, it was on every tomb wall thereafter….
He was sitting in the coffee shop,
beginning to wonder if this whole blind date
would ever get off the ground.
And where was the waiter
with his dark Turkish double?
He took out a fine large cigar
and began gnawing, puffing away
as two mortals approached.
"We're so sorry to disturb you, lord..."
"Not at all! What seems to be the trouble?"
He looked to the one, who had no arms.
"Terrorist bombing. They never found them.
Is there any way you can help--"
"No problem! That's why I'm here!"
He took out his diary and wrote the name.
The other one handed him a piece of bread.
"I'm sorry, sir, this is all I have.
I had four shabtis, but one was broken
and the other three are in a museum somewhere..."
"Really, it's on me--I insist.
Put that away, save it for later."
The looks on their faces were blissful.
They turned to go, but then the armless one
spoke further. "Oh, and,
I hope it isn't too much trouble..."
"Please, what is it?"
"I have a cousin whose husband--"
"The Everglades! What luck!
My friend, they'll never find the body.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have an appointment."
The two grateful mortals stumbled away
bewildered, bedazzled, bemused
at the god's approachability.
He caught a glimpse of Hathor
as she rushed into the coffee shop
dodging a crowd of camera flashes.
She saw him, walked to his table.
"How are things, Sobek?
How's army life treating you?"
"Oh, you know, there are days..."
She smiled, pausing, quiet
as his white pointy teeth
appeared increasingly between his lips.
"We must catch up one of these days.
Are you busy now?"
"Actually, Anubis is setting me up
with someone, don't know her,
but they're kinda late."
"Oh, well, then I won't keep you.
But rain check?
You know how busy the inundation season gets,
but I can always make time for you!"
She went to order her usual latté.
The tabloids were totally wrong about her.
He felt a surge, a change,
the words echoing distant, sharp,
I am Sobek who dwells amid his terrors
as in the antechambers of Amenti
someone--one of the fewer and fewer--
was saying his spell of transformation.
He knew the name and the history
of that person immediately.
He finished his coffee and cigar,
decided he'd waited too long,
when the door opened.
A lone figure came through:
female, crocodile-headed.
Could this be her?
He stared, she was not inelegant,
though her lipstick was a bit askew
on her crocodile mouth and teeth.
She caught eyes with him,
paused,
smiled her Parthian-red-stained-toothed smile,
and began walking over to him.
He smiled back, embarrassed, nervous,
rising as she came over.
"Hail to you, O Great Sobek,
He who Lurks Among Dangers!"
"Hail to you, O...um, I'm sorry,
what's your name?"
She blushed, looked down.
"I'm Nebthetep."
"Right, sorry. Hail to you, O Nebthetep,
She who Flourishes Amidst Lilies."
She brightened, flattered by the epithet
that none had given her before.
As she sat, he continued,
"I'm really sorry--and shocked!--
that I haven't met you before.
I guess the divine world is much bigger
than any of us thought!"
"Oh, you're so right, so right...
but everyone's heard of Sobek, huh?"
She giggled uncomfortably, too high.
He laughed, his deep croaking guffaw
nervously, "Well, now you're embarrassing me!"
They both trailed off and looked down.
After a few silent moments, Nebthetep
resumed, "I'm sorry Anubis couldn't make it,
you know how busy he gets this time of year."
"Yes, he's a pretty hard worker,
but he loves his job, you can tell.
Anyway, that means I get to know you better."
She smiled, exhaling relief.
"But first, can I just say,
I've dated lots of crocodile gods,
but you actually seem nice?!"
He beamed, but quickly responded,
"Oh, tell me about it!"
"I mean, why is it that when I meet someone,
ten minutes later they go 'Oh, I know
a crocodile god! You should meet him!'
Does Anubis get that just because
he's got a jackal head?"
"Aw man! I SO know what you mean!
But there's tons of dog heads,
they don't know what it's like
to be in a minority like we are."
"Yeah--I mean I've dated all kinds,
monkeys, hawks, dogs, hippos,
and they all date each other, no problem!
But if you're a croc, well, then
it's a different story, isn't it?"
Nebthetep paused. "Oh, sorry,
I hope you don't think I'm a slut or something..."
Sobek smiled. "On the contrary,
I think we'll get along juuuust fiiiine...."
